I have to say, sometimes this spiritual growth work really sucks. Sometimes I just want to blame someone else. Sometimes I just want to storm indignantly out of the room, with my superhero cape fluttering out behind me in an egoic show of (false) power. I’m sure anyone that’s been opened to the concept that everything in our lives is for our own growth, for us to make peace with, for our OWN sake and for the sake of the whole of creation has felt the way I feel sometimes…namely, “This is bullshit”. “Why should I have to take responsibility for this? Someone else was a jerk. I’m being completely reasonable and they are being a jerk. That’s NOT my fault. I’m RIGHT!!!” Sound familiar?
But, unfortunately, I made a commitment to something bigger. I know too much. I can’t hide behind my ego anymore (when I can see it, that is). My wounded inner child is having a blast at summer camp these days and my id has been reduced to nothing more than a wishful fantasy; at least some of the time. And it’s those times when I can clearly see how my own limitations are coming into play, my own ego and my own fears are making me miserable, that I get a little pissed off. It’s like “oh for *@#% sake, really? I have to own THIS TOO?” I hear the lament of my ego “It’s NOT FAIR, don’t I ever get to be RIGHT anymore?”
Part of the ego has huge resistance to such growth. It’s foreign territory, unknown and terrifying, so part of ourselves refuses to recognize our true state of connectedness. Status quo is pretty comfortable to the ego and the undeveloped self, but it’s hell on earth when we can’t control the people or circumstances in our lives. When things push our buttons we can either dig in our heels, creating a whole lot of unnecessary suffering or let things go and be free.
Case in point; I HAD to say something. There he was, using the dyer again on a perfectly beautiful, breezy August day. Thoughts raced through my mind; “He doesn’t have ANY respect for the environment. Doesn’t he know how much that adds to the hydro bill? He knows we’re struggling to pay the bills, and he knows that the environment is important to me! How can having a wrinkle-free t-shirt be more important to him than all of that? We’ve talked about this before and he just doesn’t care! I HAVE to speak up this time. It’s going to make him angry if I bring it up again, but I owe it to the environment! I MUST speak!”
“Honey?” I was using the sweetest I-have-a-request-you’re-not-going-to-like-but-i-hope-you’ll-do-it-because-you-love-me tone that I could conjure.
“would you mind not using the dryer?” and we were off.
I won’t get into the nitty-gritty, but it ended with him leaving without saying good-bye and me thinking that I can’t take this angry relationship anymore.
Whenever I get the urge to leave my relationship, my job, or any other situation or circumstance I’m immediately reminded that trying to run away or push unwanted things out of our lives NEVER works. It’s important to recognize that we take ourselves with us wherever we go and if we are experiencing unpleasantness it’s because there is something WE need to make peace with or let go of. Trying to push it away is futile, because unless you go and live in complete isolation, the situation will follow you. You may be in a different geographical place, with different people, but everything is the same…or worse than the situation you “ran” away from. It may seem like you and your partner just aren’t compatible anymore, but I promise you, if you leave to run away from unwanted emotions, no partner that comes into your life in the future can give you anything but the same feelings, albeit, in a different package.
So, it begs the question; is there is a limiting belief, a fear, an ego pattern or an old trauma that is being activated here? Just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there. These things are very good at hiding below the surface.
In my case, I was mad as hell. I felt like I was at my breaking point but past experience and a subtle tug, perhaps of a part of my soul, was telling me that there was another way to see it, there was a solution to this unhappiness that I couldn’t see.
So, as I do in most cases of needing to pull my blinders off, I started to do some EFT tapping.
First I tapped on being stressed about my relationship, then it quickly moved into anger. I let myself rant about why I was mad, how unreasonable he was being. I don’t think I made it through a full round before things shifted. Somewhere in there I asked for clarity and boy did I get it.
I didn’t know epiphanies could feel like being hit by a train, but this one did.
It was all I could say. “You’ve got to be kidding me!!”
The truth of the matter couldn’t be denied. The blinders were off… I was trying to get him to change his behaviour so that I could feel better. It’s a sneaky trap that we all fall into from time to time. I regularly counsel my clients to give up that illusory form of control because it’s a recipe for disaster! While you may be able to control some of the people some of the time, you’ll never control enough of the people enough of the time so that you’ll never feel negative emotion. If you live your life needing all the people around you to do the things that make you feel good, well, good luck finding any semblance of peace or happiness.
The realization was both freeing and irritating at the same time. I’d asked for clarity and there it was. I saw my own faulty thinking, but I couldn’t help but WANT to stay attached to being mad! My ego wanted to be right, dammit! A little more tapping settled it all into place and the incredible unfolding of old patterns and beliefs fell at my feet, releasing me from what seemed like years of torment.
With the irritation cleared away, it became very easy to take the approach I encourage my clients to take in such cases; I asked myself why I was feeling so much negative emotion about his behaviour, and then did some EFT on that. In my case, the use of the dryer was making me feel badly for a few reasons that I immediately recognized as limiting beliefs or fear-based thinking.
1) The environmental concern. Part of my epiphany was that I had made a decision a couple of years ago that my home was going to have the smallest environmental impact it could have. Within that promise I neglected to account for people that I live with that I can’t control. It became a “my house, my rules” kind of thing. You can probably imagine the sort of repercussions that sort of attitude can have on a relationship. I was trying to keep a promise to myself and it depended on controlling him! While I still believe in the sentiment, I recognize that my control regarding that starts and ends with my own behaviour. Trying to control anyone so you can feel better is like teaching a pig to fly, it wastes your time and annoys the pig (one of his favourite sayings). I also realized that my motivation for having a smaller environmental impact is coming from a fear-based place rather than with a focus on what I truly want to create, which is a healthy, happy planet. Big difference.
2) The money concern. This one is a no-brainer for anyone that’s had ANY experience with Law of Attraction and abundance work. I was coming from a lackful, fearful place about money as well. The truth is, I ALWAYS have enough money to pay the hydro bill. Running the dryer once a week is not going to break the bank, plain and simple. So this particular money block has fallen away as a result of the tapping. Now I can see that it’s just not logical.
3) We have monumental differences. He calls me a commie. He hates my environmentally-friendly laundry detergent and dishwasher detergent. To him, having things uber-clean is more important than avoiding phosphates in the septic system. He sneaks Cascade dish soap into the NatureClean bag. He hides Tide Pods and Bounce under the laundry sink. I prefer to eat organic or naturally-raised meats from a local farmer. To my horror, he buys factory-farmed meat by the cartload at Costco! He leaves the lights on, the taps running, the engine idling! He’d rather burn oil than wood! Oh, evil of all evils!
My epiphany; In all fairness, he tries. He tries hard. I’ve asked him to change A LOT of things. I’m a holistic nutritionist; I’ve been surrounded by an environmentally-aware, health-conscious community for fifteen years. He’s had a year to adjust and he’s digging in his heels a little. And that’s okay. It’s our differences that make life interesting. Would my life be easier with a man that wants to build our own off-grid house, dress the kids in organic hemp and grow all of our food? Maybe, but what good is easier? In the big picture, where does that get us? Where would my impetus to evolve come from if no one is pushing my buttons? No, I’ll take my man thank-you. The one that can make my blood boil. The one that can help me see and release my limitations, lackful thinking and fears. Yes, we have “monumental differences”, but I now consider them a strength rather than a detriment, and all because of a load of laundry.
Please tap along with me to release your own blocks to having a happier, more satisfying relationship here